When You’re a Jet

"When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. From your first cigarette ‘til your last dyin’ day." If I was a Shark, I’d just wait for the Jets to die of lung cancer. Then I’d take their turf.

Songs About Women

Every time I try to write a song about a woman, someone goes and nicknames a drug after her: Mary Jane, Crystal, Molly. How am I supposed to honor the heroines in my life?

Jam Samples

If you have a booth at the farmers market, you’re giving out free samples of jam, and you don’t say, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” you are missing out on the biggest opportunity on earth.

Farmers Market Donuts

At the farmers market, a vendor was selling apple cider donuts 3 for $2.75 or 6 for $6. Hey, if they were good at math, they wouldn’t be farmers.

NSA Tapping

If you’re concerned about the NSA snooping on your phone records, just make every fourth call to a suicide hotline. They’ll quickly realize you’re not worth it. Worth anything, really.

Politically Incorrect

Sometimes I’m politically incorrect, and think the U.S. has a parliament.

Mouse Trap

We bought mouse traps, but they have a picture of a dead mouse on them.  Which begs the question: If you were in a haunted house and saw a sandwich, would you take a bite?

Night Owl

I’m a comic and I go to a lot of concerts, so I’m a night owl. But I’m a morning person. Which is extra-difficult because it’s an interspecies conflict.

7-11 Deal

There’s a new promotion at 7-11 where if you buy a fresh sandwich, you get a free bottled water. Unfortunately, you can’t get a fresh sandwich at 7-11.


My doorman is retiring after 32 years of working for the building. Which means he could open the door for anyone… but himself.