How Am I Supposed to Drink Without a...

I’m moving out of my apartment, and my friend that works at the grocery store gave me some boxes.  A few say EGGS on them.  So I wrote EGGS on all of them, so the movers will be gentle.

Today at my office it was Fathers Take Your Daughters to Work Day.  Or as I like to call it… Christmas.

Everything’s big in Texas.  Except humility.

I saw an H&M ad that read, “Fashion Against AIDS.” Doesn’t seem like a fair fight.  A relentless virus with no known cure, or a cable-knit sweater on sale for $19.95.

I hate when restaurants use words on their menus that they don’t know the definition of.  Like “atomic” has just come to mean hot or cheese-covered.  When really everything’s atomic because it consists of atoms. “Oh, the atomic fries?  You mean the fries?”

Church is like a book club where the only book you read is the Bible.

I had a job interview and they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said, “Interviewing you for a job.” They haven’t called back yet.

Today’s Groupon is for a remote-controlled helicopter with a spy camera in it.  It’s great if you’re trying to spy on someone and want a bunch of footage of people pointing and saying, “Hey, look at that little helicopter!”

I work for Fuse, which is owned by MSG, so all my friends are always trying to get tickets through me.  They’re like, “I tried to get them on the presale, but they were all sold out.  The box office is only open when I’m at work.  I went to Ticketmaster, but I had to fill out a captcha.” Johnny Cash’s best performance ever was at Folsom Prison.  You had to rape or murder someone to get in.  Or buy your ticket from a real scalper.  Quit being such a pussy.

I forgot my password for the site I use to pay my student loans.  It locked me out after three tries.  Is there really a problem with people’s accounts getting hacked into and having their student loans paid?  ’Cause if there is, my new password is “fishsticks.”